The disease is in the details

“He acts like he does not understand English, but he understands everything that is relevant to him, it’s a blatant show of disrespect, over and over, in my own house. Drives me up the wall and you know that I am a very calm person usually. I know he is your father, but the next time he’s coming, he will be staying at the bedandcoffee or whatever it’s called. He can afford that. He said he’d come for three weeks, now it’s been 6 and there is no sign of him leaving. It’s becoming absolutely unbearable.“

 “ But Cherie, he is my father, I can’t do anything about it, he’s been like this all his life and he is sick with Arthritis and when he is in pain he can be a bit of a grouch.”
 “ And he is always a pain.”
 —
“In fact if he wasn’t your father, he’d be in a lot more pain right now, trust me. Not only would he have found himself and his stuff in the street the first night after he pulled that “half a nigger” - shit on the baby right in front of moms, makes my blood boil. I still can’t believe it. … And if I wasn’t a father myself now, proud father of the most beautiful, ass kicking, bad ass little mother fucking baby, who is going to run this shit show one day anyway, well, then putting a tire iron to that mother fucking grumpy old surrender monkey’s ugly mug would have been a blast to me right there and then, the first night he arrived. Right after he opened his venomous mouth for the first time. “

 “Cherie, that’s ‘arsh, he is my father after all, I don’t know what should I say?”

“I’m sorry too boo, but I’m raging inside. I can’t believe that I have to leave my house to have a one on one with my woman and that I have to take the baby into a bar with me, just because he is there. Drinking, ranting. Seriously, all joking aside, he is such an asshole, I don’t understand how such a lovely person as you could be the daughter of such a social train wreck, is he even human? Your poor mother, I understand what she went through now, it wasn’t cool of her to jump ship on you like that, but I completely ab-so-fuck-ing-lute-ly understand it now.”

“She did not jump of a ship, she jumped of a bridge.”

 “ —-Oh honey, I’m sorry , I had no idea that that’s how it happened. That’s horrible. Just so you know, “Jumping ship’ , that’s just a figure of speech, it means when someone is bailing out on their given task. I'm sure that that’s not what she did with you, it just popped out like that. Poor old Joselyn Sabetout, she had her life ruined by that nasty old know-it -all. He was probably even worse when he was younger, even more obnoxiously cocky, before he started suffering from the gout and having those first onsets of Alzheimer.”

 “ Ass’ole ‘eimers? What is that ?”

 “ :-D“
 “ :-}“

“Oh honey bun, you’re so cute, I adore you, muah, you make me smile at the direst moments. Well, it seems to me that, very fittingly, or as you just brilliantly, probably accidentally but in a ominously  ingenius way just pointed out quite accurately....
 fuckit, well lets just say it just dawned on me that maybe Asshole'eimers: as you called it, might just be a sickness which befalls all those people who do not want to remember any of the the bad decisions they made in the course of their lives, resulting in them forgetting everything else along with it; the good moments and the bad, who they are, who their relatives and friends are, who they used to love and what they used to stand for. They might regress to a state of catatonia where all they want to do is play with their puppets or their train sets, just like when they were innocent wee children, before they started to be those types of obnoxious and plain annoying bullies that claim the world and then some for themselves and only themselves just out of a sense of entitlement that is based in some kind of aristocratic superiority complex, which was handed down to them by their equally deluded parents and so on and so on…. This ginormous circle of shit that does not get interrupted until a person in the executioners line up steps out of the fucking merry-go-round and starts their own show somewhere else……. These retarded fucks have no interest in anything but themselves all their lives and when they are done with imagining themselves as being interesting or successful or whatever little assembly line little fucking-chinese-made plastic illusion they had bought into as a blueprint for their measly little lives collapses…..well, in that moment when their delusions pop and their money does not buy any love and their hatred and blatant displays of indifference to anything beautiful or inspiring or soft or weak or dogg forbid even funny finds no resistance any more for them to fight with, because their kind of bullshit schemes are plain useless in this new world we live in…..Well in that moment their life is basically over and they regress to this state of a parrot, just as an for example, sitting in their big houses, or luxury nursing homes, repeating their technocratic little mantras over and over, drooling onto their large picture books for grown ups like little babies, needing to get their asses wiped ——"

"---"
"Ass'ole'eimers, you are brilliant baby!“

 “—-“

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I guess I got carried away there, but I feel better now.”

 “It’s ok, Cherie, I love it when you put you’re anger into words, its fascinating to me, the american language, you are so free to express whatever you think, speaking french is not like that.”

“I’m glad that you feel that way baby. Sometimes I get a little worried that I talk to much when I bust into these rants, my mind just turns into this five hundred thousand ton freight train that does not want to stop when I’m angry. I just hope my little Ass'ole'eimers monologue was not being recorded, because otherwise I would probably have the real Alzheimer lobby on my ass for the rest of my life.
Don't want to get branded for actually making fun of handicapped people. Anyway my lovely sunshine, I just want you to know that right now, in this present moment we have each other, right  now, it’s just you and me and the baby and nothing else matters. The two of you and I, the three of us, that’s my whole universe babe. Nothing else in this world matters.”

 “Je t’aime, mon amour.”

“I love you too, honeybun.
By the way, how do like the filet mignon today, it's just so juicy? Goes well with the Montepulciano and that Oumou Sangare track that's been looping on the playlist for the last 20 minutes, doesn't it?
...."

"If the music bothers you, you should tell the bartender."

"You're right. I'm sorry, I had resolved to stop being that dick that needs to point out everything that's wrong with everything all the time."

Leitzin-the final chapter

In the life of every blogger there comes a time of crisis, when she is running out of Leitzin and the depression comes creeping back in. When her friends are getting addicted to the same little natural happy pills and proposing that taking them with a glass of Cognac will give you a better buzz. I took a break from taking the h0meopathic accupuncturistic new age little effin healthy dust capsules (which taste like horse feed on an empty stomach) in the beginning of September. Around the time of my last blogpost, whenever that was.

I kept a good handful in case I'd have a really bad monkey on my back, and it was fun plowing back into them to get over a little relapse I had the other day when hanging out with some rockstars I don't want to mention by name. That incident had me purging, smelling like Keith Richards after shave and being uncontrollably blissed out yet sick for 2 days.

This is what I found out from not taking Leitzin for 2 months: I get depressed if I stop taking them, but it's ok to be depressed sometimes. Sometimes. A healthy depression is a sign that you are working your way thru some things that have to be worked through, better face it head on, get depressed for real. Or start taking Leitzin again.

When you are done being depressed, when you're done drinking, done doing cocaine,

takin it easy on the downers like weed and heroin, avoid hanging out with goal oriented people

who make you feel like a looser for just existing, then take some Leitzin. Get a lot of sleep read some good books, cook yourself some food, start running, buy a bike, start practicing the piano, learn the guitar and try to memorize some folk songs. take some Leitzin. You should be fine. I am not getting paid for this, I just want more Leitzin. Please. I need it to blog, I need it so I can shoot goals with my left foot against teams of brazilian percussionists, Ineed it so I can play Bach on the flute and Monk on the piano, I need it because I am an addict for fun and illicit drugs are to expensive. This is organic Prozac, or Ritalin , addictive as a day at the beach, buzz inducing like winning a string of pick up futsal games, focussing like the first hit of Leitzin. HHHmmmm. Leitzin. Buy some now. it will change your life. u dig?

What Zebra’s, Bonobo’s, Baboons and Professor Sapolsky have in common

What Zebra’s, Bonobo’s, Baboons and Professor Sapolsky have in common

Let’s start at the end and the beginning at the same time, Professor Robert Sapolsky
, author of “ Why Zebra’s don’t get Ulcers”, points out that even though Zebras are essentially mamals like humans, they do not tend to get diabetes, heart disease,
or ulcers for that matter and they and Professor Sapolski are pretty relaxed about it, so that's what they have in common. The difference between a less relaxed huma and and a Zebra might be that while a Zebra might shut down it’s immune system and digestive system and speed up it’s heart rate to run away from a lion once in a blue moon, humans tend to launch their stress responses on a permanent basis. It’s important to note that someone’s stressor might be somebody elses way of calming down. Not everybody likes to skydive, surf big waves or snowboard off of unchartered mountainpeaks in Alaska, but some people do so quiet joyfully. Nevertheless, industrial work stress is severe and if it is just trying to look likie you are doing something when u get paid to do nothing essentially. Enormous stress. Robbing banks kind of stress.
Bonobo’s don’t have that many choices for stressors or stress relief, but they tend to have a reputation to know how to let five hang.In the rare case that they do have a problem-they make out. Three ways, if necessary. A little penis fight or clit rubbing session and they are all set. They know they have enough resources to last thru the day and there’s really not much reason to fight over a Banana if there is hundrets more growing right over your head. But Bonobo’s get agressive in captivity. Who would have thought? While most animals just get lethargic and arrange themseves with their captor’s in a smart way that get’s them priviledges like extra fish, Bonobo’sget pissed off. They might think it’s not so cool to have to stop making out at the Zoo just cuz a bunch of children and old ladies are watching. They know their Ryder said nothing about a PG-13 audience.
Bonobo’s are smart. They know that those monkeys that get around the jungle the most have the best stories to tell and the most interesting foodstuffs to share.
Back to Robert Sapolski. he’s about as entertaining and funny as a biological neuroscientist could be, lectures at Stanford University and spends every summer for about 25 years with tribes of Baboons in the Savanah of Africa. He tells us that
it takes them only about 3 hours to forage for food, so they have another 9 daylight hours to drive each other absolutely mad and miserable. Prof. Sapolski has a meticulous way of keeping track of these monkeys hormone and seratonin and whatnot levels and notes their ranking in the tribe as well as who is doing what to who.
In an epidemic of tuberculosis one summer half the Baboons died and he noticed that the ones that had died were the ones that had been very high or very low in ranking. In other words, the monkeys that had to constantly guard against challange from below and the one’s that would have to act as punshing bags for whoever lost a fight were the one’s with the weakest immune system and had no reserves of energy left to fight of the disease. The one’s who run off to sulk alone in the woods did not do well either.
The one’s that had a buddy to pick their lice and rub their back survived. No stress. I gotta go out more. You dig?

Biodrux Guineapig Blogject Post 5

Biodrux Guineapig Blogject Post 5
I got the first feedback about the Biodrux blog from Valentina, who commented that not only from reading my blog but also from seeing me change moods she was convinced that the mixture must be working. I am glad I am not imagining things. Now I only hope I won’t have any other monkey but a Bonobo sitting on my shoulders when the pills run out.
Talking about depression, I also recently dicovered that my man-struation is cloosely related to the moon phases. On a waxing moon I am full of ideas energy and enthusiasm. It all leads up to an explosion of energy around the full moon.
To be followed by a period of recovery after the full into the new moon. The best time to start projects seems to be the new moon and this last moon I literally felt like someone put a shift stick from neutral into drive Autobahn By the way, we are in the lunar moon of Challenge in the Mayan calendar ;-) U dig?

Dinner at Tiffanys on 7th Street

My new downstairs neighbor is this really proper young lady, whose dad helped her move in and washed her windows. She is facing the little ‘courtyard’ (basically a cage, too small to have a fight in) outside my building and seems to have gotten a key to it. When I just left the building, I smelled crepes, heard classical music, and saw my neighbor sit there with her dad, munching away on a nice dinner with a bottle of Wine, right next to the trashcans and two doors down from that family that keeps their dogs outside their basement apartement, where Hasso and Chiquita piss and shit at their own leisure. mind u, when I moved into the building 14 years ago, there was a guy selling dope until 6 every morning in the same spot where girlfriend and her dad were having dinner now. This was a cool block.m the laundromat was the hottest dope spot in the city. This town has become so boring. Paying the rent. Gentrification. You gotta love it. She likes my piano playing, it’s the best on saturday mornings. makes me wanna snort some heroin and play my fender bass thru that Rumble-Amp on friday night. maybe. not. I am getting to old for rebellion for its own sake. shit. did I say old? U dig?

Biodrux Guineapig Blogject 4

Biodrux Guineapig Post 4

Lost track of what day of the experiment it is. Got distracted having to good a time and
maybe forgot to take the little suckers one or the other time. Hey, i did not say my Guineapig body was a blank piece of paper that u can just get a clear picture out of.
It’s more like a kaleidoskope, colorfull, but undefined. And so fun to look at introspectively and with loving kindness while u are staring a whole in the floor. Arrghhh!
Well, I can’t say the Biodrux are not working for me, but I have not had an epiphany like , this is just what my abused, aging body needed to make it out of the valley of death and destruction that is the abuse one has enjoyed in 18 years of living in the supposedly most happening place on the global grid. New York City.
I got interrupted here by some junkie who is urging me to dig up some change for
his Ponzi scheme, gotta go, U dig?

The Biodrux Guineapig Blogject

Day 15 I neglected my duty to report to the Biodrux. For good reasons. I was too busy running around and getting sorted out for my most recent recording session with my band ' Senor Bonobo'. I even forgot to take the damn pills for a few days. Nevertheless, I can report that my mood has been more upbeat and my energy levels more stable since I started taking the little helpers. I can't report an absolute absence of feelings of doubt, hopelessness and depression, but all in all the last couple of weeks have been a good run for me. I wrote some new material for a session that got planned with 2 weeks notice and was able to pull thru of two days of recording without throwing in the towel when Murphy's Law hit with full force. I have noticed a edge of clarity when practicing sight-reading and playing instruments I am not so familiar with. Tennis is another area where I can sense a certain increase in clarity, longer rallies are possible and I am more focussed on the ball than the thoughts in my head. U dig?

The Biodrux Guineapig Blogject

The Biodrux Guineapig Blogject


Day 1 I’ll do anything for free drugs. Especially if they are supposed to alleviate depression, lethargy and irritability.With no side-effects. For that prospect I will whore myself out to the newest pusher of natural mood enhancers for a free sample and then write about the experience on EVOLVER. If that proposition sounds almost as exciting to you as having direct shipments of natural product arriving on your doorstep, poppies from Kabul and Coca leaves from Medellin for example, with the prospect of reviewing the effects in writing in a public forum, then we are on the same page. They recommend 4 capsules a day, 3 times daily and I think I will trust them on that and not eat the whole shipment at once to see if it will make me euphoric or something. They promise to alleviate the Lethargy and here I am, typing away with the speed of all my ten fingers dancing excitedly about my keyboard, not bad. And i’ve only had one dosis so far since I opened the pill-bottle.That might just be a pavlovian effect. Seing a bottle and all.
The Blogject comes in handy to document the final stages of my fixing up my body and mind from a drug and alcohol- fueled rollercoaster ride that lasted for ..., hmmmm?
Can’t really remember, but about a decade.
The only bad habit I did not have was smoking tabacco. The only one I am planning to
keep is praising Yah with a regular sacrifice of a five fingered leaf or two.
____
Day 3 of my herbal cleansing run and I gotta say, I have not been dissapointed!
While in the evening of the first day the pills arrived I was still in a somewhat beat and self-defeatist mode, struggling to defend my inability to end procratination to Drew, who had come to get me psyched about making ‘my’ record. I’ve kind of- not quite given up on that idea and don’t really feel like explaining why, but I also kind of don’t ever give up on things, I just change my persective and keep hoping soething will come of nopthing as long as u do nothing to stop nothing from happening. U dig?
This morning I felt a definite sensation of morning-adrenalin hitting me after getting up, having my four capsules and drinking some water. Well, I got the flash when I picked up the guitar to play Aguas de Marco by Jobim a couple times over. Ialso noticed a different clarity when I was reading a book yesterday, somehow I feel more focussed and am able to follow up on ideas more concisely. Like getting on the phone after deciding to have a recording session, something that seems logical to anyone, but does not always flow with a manic-depressive artist state of mind based in self destructive
behaviour and self loathing. Which btw reminds me that it is time to stop blogging and get back to making phone calls. U dig?
coming next week - Biodrux Leiztin- legal herbal extacy?

Bikram Yoga

This morning I went to check out Bikram Yoga on Allen Street to see if I could cure my aching neck with a little stretching and heat. My friends Valentina and Manuela recommended that I come along for a session some time, since to them Bikram is like the best thing since sliced bread. Tricia, the Lady running the joint is supercool and down to earth and without any pretense.The staff hooked me up with towels and a yoga mat and off we went to start the first few asanas. It was intense, to say the least, but not unbearably strenuous.Until we got about an hour into the session and I realized that the class was going to last longer than that. The last 20 minutes were tough even though the exercises we did in the end required a lot less coordination and balance than the first run of swan-poses that seemed to last forever and then a little longer after the sun hit’s the horizon, effendi, without water this desert is uncrossable, I hope you have a camel, think I might be hallucinating, I am a frog, I am a scorpion in the desert sand argh, no, a locust, no a lotus, just breathe thru your nose.....
After an hour and a half I finally stumbled out and enjoyed the ‘cool’ air outside, where the hottest day of the summer was scorching up the city. They play mellow worldmusic and funny queer bar jazz in a superchill mix in the lobby and it really fits with the feeling of having walked out of the desert with the help of a Mad Max style Amazon that makes sure you suffer but won’t let you die before the movie is over.
Manu had promised that this was almost as good as doing an ayuasca ceremony and I must admit that I’ve had a few pangs of joy going down my spine today, must have sweated out a lot of toxins in the session. I feel light and refreshed, even though I am somewhat exhausted.
I don’t think I’d do ayuasca more than 2 or three times a year, but this is definitely habit-forming-worthy. I will definitely keep going and try to incorporate stretching into my workout routine, the benefit’s can’t be ingnored..
Bikram Yoga’s deal is a introductory week for 21 bucks for a week of unlimited classes or their summer special, 30 days for 30 bucks, it makes the heat a lot more bearable, after you bear it well. I am nbot getting anything out of this, I am merely promoting this place because i liked it. U dig?
Thanks Manu, Valentina and Maike for sharing your lovely little spot with me.

http://bikramyogales.com